March 17

I made up this song today that I can’t get out of my hear. I’ve been absolutely euphoric all day, or manic…I don’t think I know the difference. All I know it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world and it makes everyone hate me. That is the downside. I’ve learned to control my depressive episodes fairly well using my DBT skills. The trouble is that either I don’t know how or don’t want to apply them to my manic episodes. I know when I’m manic I’m too much for everyone to handle and I drive those closest to me away but it is one of the best feelings in my body. I’m not even sure I can describe it. It is like I’m invincible, floating, like I have enough happiness inside me to share with the entire world and enough energy to swim to Europe and then backpack my way around the world. For that time my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental pains, worries, and anxieties just don’t exist. I don’t know if I want to control this feeling because I know nothing can compare. I’m scared that if I suppress this euphoria, I won’t know what happiness feels like anymore. At the same time I know it is driving those closet to me away which scares me equally. Honestly, at a complete loss.

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