Preface:
I have known from the time I was very young that I was not normal. I’m not sure what it even means to be normal to this day. All I knew was that I was different from my peers in a noticeable way. I always felt alienated and alone. Is it normal for a four year old in kindergarten to feel so different and unstable? Is it normal that at four years old I was able to recognize I was not like the other kids in my PM kindergarten program? I have never fit in with a social group. Sure, I have had many friendships over the years but it seems everyone has their own circle of friends and I never had that. I was friends with one girl from this group and one girl from another so I was never invited to many parties or play dates because I wasn’t a part of that group. When I was invited, I always kept to myself and sat in silence because no one wanted me there. No one wanted to talk to me. I was not a part of their group of friends so why was I there? I started to develop, also in kindergarten, a strong awareness of time, more specifically, being on time. If I was one minute late I couldn’t go in. My mom had to walk me in and coerce me out of the car on many occasions because the idea of walking into a room and having everyone look at me and judge me was terrifying. Is it normal for a four year old to feel like this? I don’t think that at four years old I was all of a sudden triggered, it’s just the earliest memories I have. I know from my parents that when I was an infant I was so attached to my mother and afraid to leave her side that I would throw a fit every time she left my side or someone else tried to hold me. Is that normal?
Redefining Borderline 