Just a quick Tuesday thought…

Taking a step backwards to evaluate your surroundings is sometimes the hardest thing one has to do and the healthiest at the same time. 

This thought came to me in the middle of the night last night. Literally woke me out of a dead sleep and I had the urge to write it down. I think this is a clear sign I have some meditating to do on what is currently surrounding me. 

Another quick note – posted a new poem today, check it out! 

Hope everyone is having a great week! 

Peace, love, and happiness.

Sneak peak from my upcoming book…

Preface:

I have known from the time I was very young that I was not normal. I’m not sure what it even means to be normal to this day. All I knew was that I was different from my peers in a noticeable way. I always felt alienated and alone. Is it normal for a four year old in kindergarten to feel so different and unstable? Is it normal that at four years old I was able to recognize I was not like the other kids in my PM kindergarten program? I have never fit in with a social group. Sure, I have had many friendships over the years but it seems everyone has their own circle of friends and I never had that. I was friends with one girl from this group and one girl from another so I was never invited to many parties or play dates because I wasn’t a part of that group. When I was invited, I always kept to myself and sat in silence because no one wanted me there. No one wanted to talk to me. I was not a part of their group of friends so why was I there? I started to develop, also in kindergarten, a strong awareness of time, more specifically, being on time. If I was one minute late I couldn’t go in. My mom had to walk me in and coerce me out of the car on many occasions because the idea of walking into a room and having everyone look at me and judge me was terrifying. Is it normal for a four year old to feel like this? I don’t think that at four years old I was all of a sudden triggered, it’s just the earliest memories I have. I know from my parents that when I was an infant I was so attached to my mother and afraid to leave her side that I would throw a fit every time she left my side or someone else tried to hold me. Is that normal?

Beautiful Scars

Cleaning out my room today I came across this beautiful poem written for/about me by a beautiful person who used to be in my life. We have gone our separate ways but I will always be grateful for our friendship and all we learned from each other. I know I am truly blessed to have come across this at this particular moment. It was much needed, so thank you.

When you look at her, tell me what you see

A fragile girl adorned in beauty

You lose yourself as you stare in awe

Not a single sign of a mere blemish or flaw

Look inside her, that’s when you’ll find

That this innocent girl is one of a kind

Her past has left scars that she wears

With strength to carry the burdens she bears

Pushing through struggles and recovering from losses

She keeps her head up no matter what the cost it

Reaching out to those who want and need

You’d never know that her wounds still bleed

It takes more strength than a thousand men

To survive what she’s gone through within

And with such grace and determination

She gives the world hope everywhere she’s been.

 

Clicking log in is a panic attack waiting to happen

Standing at checkout, fingers crossed for approval

Having to walk out empty handed is a level of shame and mortification that cannot be described

Look like another hungry night and another morning waking up to the stars

Black polka dots and shaking limbs

It’s not just inwards now…It’s starting to show

Exercise is always my answer

Can the girl working next to me hear the desperate cries coming from deep within?

Are they real or just in my head?

The low grumbles desperate to be heard that I try so hard to muffle.

I wonder if anyone has any clue

If anyone would care actually

I don’t look hungry

But I am

So, so hungry

23, completely alone, and hungry.

April 10, 2014

I usually reserve quotes to my quote page but I think this one is just too important to silently add. I want to scream this from the rooftops, I want the world to not only hear this quote, but listen to it. Marina Keegan was killed in a car accident just 5 days after graduating from Yale University with a full life ahead of her. She left behind beautiful bodies of work for the world to remember her and honor her by. This is one of the most magical and beautiful things she could have left us.

“What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds,” she writes in the book’s titular essay. “We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it’s too late to do anything is comical. It’s hilarious. We’re graduating from college. We’re so young. We can’t, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it’s all we have.” –Marina Keegan

We need to remember that life is short. Our souls know how much time we have left here on this earth but we as physical beings do not. Everything is timed how it is supposed to be whether it makes sense to us or not. Please do not hesitate to do what you love. Please do not listen to the judgement of others. Please do beautiful things with your life because that’s what you are. Stay beautiful my babes, stay beautiful. 

 

**On a side note, I will be finally able to meet one of my biggest inspirations Gabrielle Bernstein tonight in Norwalk, CT. I will have lots of posts following her presentation I’m sure! Check back for an update this weekend! 

March 17

I made up this song today that I can’t get out of my hear. I’ve been absolutely euphoric all day, or manic…I don’t think I know the difference. All I know it’s the most wonderful feeling in the world and it makes everyone hate me. That is the downside. I’ve learned to control my depressive episodes fairly well using my DBT skills. The trouble is that either I don’t know how or don’t want to apply them to my manic episodes. I know when I’m manic I’m too much for everyone to handle and I drive those closest to me away but it is one of the best feelings in my body. I’m not even sure I can describe it. It is like I’m invincible, floating, like I have enough happiness inside me to share with the entire world and enough energy to swim to Europe and then backpack my way around the world. For that time my physical, emotional, spiritual, and mental pains, worries, and anxieties just don’t exist. I don’t know if I want to control this feeling because I know nothing can compare. I’m scared that if I suppress this euphoria, I won’t know what happiness feels like anymore. At the same time I know it is driving those closet to me away which scares me equally. Honestly, at a complete loss.

 I found this and really liked it and felt it deserved to be shared so here it is:

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that’s what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you’ll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mate’s purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life...”

-Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat, Pray, Love

I know I have met my soul mate. I know who this person is. I don’t know if this makes me lucky or if it is sad that I have known this person so early in my life because I now know that we weren’t meant to be together. I was unsure why before but now it is clear. I feel blessed to be able to recognize this person as my soul mate but it is a very bitter sweet realization. This post leaves me in deep thought and I sign off here to meditateEverything happens for a reason. This little miracle of a post is pure validation of that fact and that I am on the right track in life. I am grateful I have been led here.

Stream of consciousness.

I’ve been pushed past my limits

I’m teetering on the edge

quite literally

This is a test I don’t think I’ll pass

Don’t catch me when I fall

I wouldn’t expect you to anyways

I’ll fall alone

Take no one with me

Into the depths below

This is a test I cannot pass

You missed my limit about 10 miles ago.